she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
