There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
