u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
