when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
