From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
