Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
