I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
