I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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