Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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