I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
