u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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