Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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