he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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