What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
