just survived the first fart of the relationship.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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