3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
