I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
