I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I smell like Dick and happiness
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