my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
