I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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