If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
