I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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