I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
