what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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