Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
