What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I pour the whiskey from now on
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
