My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
