then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
