genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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