Im at strip club and am horny
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I wish I only lived at night.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
