Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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