Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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