My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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