Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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