This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
