just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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