what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
