Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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