Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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