oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
