Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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