For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
