so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
