so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
