I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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