Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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