I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
