Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
