He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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