i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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