can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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