Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
