I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
