dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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